Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Bummer Town

Blah!  Nothing new to report really...just chillin' like an illin' villain.  You know how I do...
I'm actually super bored and lonely which sucks.  Maybe it's winter?  I obsessions are at an all-time high and I just want to like...get away, I guess.  Get out of my head and out of my situation and just GO!
Ya know?
I'm getting married in November and that is kind of a mind-fuck right now.  I never thought I would marry in my 30s, if at all.  I thought I would be this power-woman living in some big city with a rad loft apartment and numerous hot bfs.  But I guess I'm not?  Ouch.
Not that what I have is something to ouch about...just reality and things that are dreams that are stuff that you've worked towards (you follow?) are a little hard to let go of.  No matter how good you may have it.  The grass is always greener.
And I do have it good, and I am really good at visualizing (re: obsessing over) things that might have been or could be, etc. and I am so happy with where I am and I honestly would not change it for the world.
I love my man and although he gets frustrated with me and thinks I'm nuts he totally accepts me in a way that not many people do.  He knows I can be obsessive, he's understanding (along with me) my strange life as an introvert who is also an exhibitionist and he just basically gets it, for better or worse. #luckyme
But, on the flip side, I will never be able to fuck anyone again?  And not even that, fall in love with someone else again?  That is so fucked to me.  What better drug is there then falling in love?  I know that's cliche and it's cliche to say that it's cliche but oh well...think about it.  No first kiss, no first sleepover, no first awkward morning after (although I have been having them at more than one of Dallas' male friends houses unwittingly), no "getting to know you, getting to know all about you" first conversations.  BUMMER!!!
I know I have awesome things too.  I have someone whom I love, whom I trust, who gets me.  It's just that...I want it all! And the reality that I can't bums me out and makes me sad.

I know, I'm a stupid bitch.
More to cum.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Objects of Desire

And I am!!! It's bad...I guess.  No, it is bad. For my fiancee...and for me, really.  I am an obsessive person and once I lay my eyes on someone that interests me I am consumed by them and their world.  I must figure them out and press them between the pages of my book. And if that isn't possible because of whatever circumstances, I fall apart.
These are not always romantic crushes, sometimes these are just interesting people I come across that seem unknowable in a way and very enigmatic and they draw me to them.
These are not always beautiful people.  Ani Difranco once sang, "Everything I love is ugly/I mean really, you would be amazed" and that song often comes to me when I am in these raptures because I know these people aren't really that deserving of my attention.  They are just normal people.  And if I know myself, they are probably a little rude/distant/condescending/unavailable to me and that makes them so much sweeter of a forbidden fruit. To me.
Dallas knows me very well.  As well as a person can know someone else.  And he accepts me for me.  He knows I dwell on people and will ask him a million questions about what he knows about them, have third person conversations with them, and just be generally creepy and weird.  Like, not stalker or even cyber stalkerish but just kind of...embarrassing.  If the person knew I would probably never be able to look them in the eyes again.  Ya know?
And they must in some way know though.  And that is mortifying on some level but that mortification is not strong enough to stop me from it.
And the only thing that does stop me.  It.  The obsession: is having that person love me back in a way or some brutal cutting of ties that leaves everyone very sour.
Another song that comes to mind at that point is Fiona Apple's lines, "I'm either so sick in the head I need to be bled dry to quit/Or I just really used to love him/I sure hope that's it."
What I do is pretty benign I guess.  I try to hang out with the person as much as I can.  I want to look good around them.  I find out the things they like and start to look into them a bit, and if I like them, even a bit, I make sure they know it.  Basically, I infiltrate their life and their friends life so I can be in their eyeline and make them love me.  Totes norms!
But for real,  as I write this and think of examples I realize that I am a little sick in the head.  And I'm not sure that is something that is going away.  So I'm going to have to embrace it, but also disallow it and cut it off.  But I'm not entirely sure how.
I guess avoidance?  Avoiding talking to and having dealings in and around the object of my desire would be healthy.  And now I am speaking of the male objects of my desire and of course I have been for a while (in more ways then one).  And a cute little riff on the above Girls quote in which I was only going to say that I do love people and love getting to know them, etc. has taken on a subconscious/guilty conscious mind of it's own and here I am.
Not entirely sure what to reveal to you or to myself.  Hmmm...more on this I guess.
If you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.