I'm actually super bored and lonely which sucks. Maybe it's winter? I dunno...my obsessions are at an all-time high and I just want to like...get away, I guess. Get out of my head and out of my situation and just GO!
Ya know?
I'm getting married in November and that is kind of a mind-fuck right now. I never thought I would marry in my 30s, if at all. I thought I would be this power-woman living in some big city with a rad loft apartment and numerous hot bfs. But I guess I'm not? Ouch.
Not that what I have is something to ouch about...just reality and things that are dreams that are stuff that you've worked towards (you follow?) are a little hard to let go of. No matter how good you may have it. The grass is always greener.
And I do have it good, and I am really good at visualizing (re: obsessing over) things that might have been or could be, etc. and I am so happy with where I am and I honestly would not change it for the world.
I love my man and although he gets frustrated with me and thinks I'm nuts he totally accepts me in a way that not many people do. He knows I can be obsessive, he's understanding (along with me) my strange life as an introvert who is also an exhibitionist and he just basically gets it, for better or worse. #luckyme
But, on the flip side, I will never be able to fuck anyone again? And not even that, fall in love with someone else again? That is so fucked to me. What better drug is there then falling in love? I know that's cliche and it's cliche to say that it's cliche but oh well...think about it. No first kiss, no first sleepover, no first awkward morning after (although I have been having them at more than one of Dallas' male friends houses unwittingly), no "getting to know you, getting to know all about you" first conversations. BUMMER!!!
I know I have awesome things too. I have someone whom I love, whom I trust, who gets me. It's just that...I want it all! And the reality that I can't bums me out and makes me sad.
I know, I'm a stupid bitch.
More to cum.
xxx
RW
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