Friday, March 1, 2013

Objects of Desire

And I am!!! It's bad...I guess.  No, it is bad. For my fiancee...and for me, really.  I am an obsessive person and once I lay my eyes on someone that interests me I am consumed by them and their world.  I must figure them out and press them between the pages of my book. And if that isn't possible because of whatever circumstances, I fall apart.
These are not always romantic crushes, sometimes these are just interesting people I come across that seem unknowable in a way and very enigmatic and they draw me to them.
These are not always beautiful people.  Ani Difranco once sang, "Everything I love is ugly/I mean really, you would be amazed" and that song often comes to me when I am in these raptures because I know these people aren't really that deserving of my attention.  They are just normal people.  And if I know myself, they are probably a little rude/distant/condescending/unavailable to me and that makes them so much sweeter of a forbidden fruit. To me.
Dallas knows me very well.  As well as a person can know someone else.  And he accepts me for me.  He knows I dwell on people and will ask him a million questions about what he knows about them, have third person conversations with them, and just be generally creepy and weird.  Like, not stalker or even cyber stalkerish but just kind of...embarrassing.  If the person knew I would probably never be able to look them in the eyes again.  Ya know?
And they must in some way know though.  And that is mortifying on some level but that mortification is not strong enough to stop me from it.
And the only thing that does stop me.  It.  The obsession: is having that person love me back in a way or some brutal cutting of ties that leaves everyone very sour.
Another song that comes to mind at that point is Fiona Apple's lines, "I'm either so sick in the head I need to be bled dry to quit/Or I just really used to love him/I sure hope that's it."
What I do is pretty benign I guess.  I try to hang out with the person as much as I can.  I want to look good around them.  I find out the things they like and start to look into them a bit, and if I like them, even a bit, I make sure they know it.  Basically, I infiltrate their life and their friends life so I can be in their eyeline and make them love me.  Totes norms!
But for real,  as I write this and think of examples I realize that I am a little sick in the head.  And I'm not sure that is something that is going away.  So I'm going to have to embrace it, but also disallow it and cut it off.  But I'm not entirely sure how.
I guess avoidance?  Avoiding talking to and having dealings in and around the object of my desire would be healthy.  And now I am speaking of the male objects of my desire and of course I have been for a while (in more ways then one).  And a cute little riff on the above Girls quote in which I was only going to say that I do love people and love getting to know them, etc. has taken on a subconscious/guilty conscious mind of it's own and here I am.
Not entirely sure what to reveal to you or to myself.  Hmmm...more on this I guess.
If you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

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